Greeting fellow Protozoans.
Things are looking up for HFInc. since our last visit to your inboxes $500K of the missing debt turned up invested in a nudist colony on the west coast of Tasmania. The failing tourism industry in the west of the island has received a boost by the expanding colony, who recently received an anonymous donation of 17 tons of Oyster Mint and Ashtray flavoured toothpaste. Although not popular in the dental hygiene market, the toothpaste has remarkably found a niche in the personal lubricant counter at the colony, which greatly assists the 50+ age group at the colony when playing nude beach volleyball. It's also been reported to be bringing families even closer together than ever before, which is bad news for the maternity ward at the local hospital. But, the professionalism and dedication of the local Tasmania nurses is keeping them afloat, and in their own words, "It's nothing we haven't seen before."
Locals have also been attracted to a rock formation not far from the nudist colony, which is said to be displaying an apparition of what is being dubbed "Saint Bongo". This area, located in the middle of a forest of tall, stalky plants whose leaves look like something between a maple and a tomato plant, is said to have a strange aura about the place, and the spirit of Saint Bongo has been visiting very often. Saint Bongo's evil namesake, however, is still at large. having appeared on TV last week in a baseball cap and sporting a pathetic homeboy-like accent, he declared "we dan't do nuffing" in response to questions about recent police attention. The HFInc. offices have continued to receive threats and demands, although Bongo's Swedish Pen!$ Enlarger mysteriously disappeared between Tuesday and this publication. Demands for this object have ceased, and we were treated to a fiery display outside our offices last evening, with the entire contents of the Good Vibes festival porta-loos dumped outside our offices and set a light. It was like the Aurora Borealis.
Bongo was last seen picking a fight with Russell Crowe outside a pub in Bellingen, after Bongo auditioned for the now on-hold movie Eucalyptus for the part that Russell reportedly isn't built for - exposing himself in public, a task that Bongo is obviously built for and used to performing.
Ham Sandwich continues to talk to us via his Legal Team, and signs are promising of a return to the HFInc. offices, in light of the recent lightening of the company's debt, which now stands at $1.26m. He has said that he looks forward to his return but first he has to catch one of those pesky kids that torment him from the seats of their BMX's.
Despite the adverse publicity, HF's Masters of the Universe Theatre Restaurants remain open and doing good business. We are pleased to announce the hiring of Sheryl P. Biter in our Shalvey location to play the role of He-Man. After some training, in which he was bitten then dry humped by the resident Battle Cat, he (who prefers to be called 'she') is ready to bring the Power of Greyskull to the eager young locals.
Thanks for enjoying this sumptuous banquet of drivel. We at HFInc. hope you come back to work with an alcohol related injury, spend some quality time with your most charming imaginary friend, and if you find yourself in a place where you don't know where you are, don't touch the bouncing cones - you might get sucked into a big black hole full of erotic cakes.
With love and eternal clamminess,
Toots Mahal
Controlling Administrator
HAPPY FRIDAY Inc.
"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"
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