Greetings.
It is with a profound sense of pride, and a tinge of sadness, that I bring you Happy Friday this week.
You may have noticed some anomalies in our regular communication schedule, and I know many of you have had many questions over the last few weeks, so allow me to set the record straight.
HAPPY FRIDAY Inc. has been placed under involuntary administration, due to accumulated debts totalling $1.76m and several outstanding arrest warrants for HF co-owner, Bongo the Chimp. The company's new product line of bourbon-flavoured printer ink cartridges has lead to several cases of food poisoning in the US mid-west when some young mullet-haired hicks were looking for a Methylated Spirits substitute. This has in turn lead to several laws suits, the aims of which seemed to be the destruction of Bongo's reputation - little did they know that his reputation was in the toilet to begin with. The worst, however, was yet to come.
HF's chain of Master's of the Universe Theatre Restaurants was turning over good profits and gaining a reputation as a wholesome family restaurant, despite the main character being a big muscly dude wearing Fox-Fur underwear and a chain mail vest, waving huge sword in the air and screaming "I HAVE THE POWER". That was until the Offices of HF were visited by detectives from Operation Stumpy Hump, investigating one of the He-Man impersonators, Tiffany Poopy-Pants III of the Shalvey MOTU Theatre Restaurant, on dwarf-s*x charges. The subsequent arrest and trial of Poopy-Pants uncovered a dwarf slave ring, linked to several sweat shops in Snowtown and Bonnyrigg, as well as a number of brothels in Kings Cross, Ryde, Mosman, Vaucluse and Bellevue Hill. Further evidence was presented that Bongo was at the head of this Dwarf slave ring, an announcement that sent Bongo off the rails.
Arresting officers were assaulted by Bongo as he attempted to escape, and he also bit the inner thigh of the key dwarf witness in the trial. He was last seen exiting a stolen car near Macquarie Fields and is still at large, facing 10 charges of assault and battery, 100 of dwarf cruelty, fraud, kidnapping, extortion, and inciting riots in Macquarie Fields, West Ryde and Redfern. The Offices of HF received an anonymous phone call on Tuesday evening demanding the delivery of Bongo's Swedish Pen!$ Enlarger to an undisclosed location or consequences would be suffered. It's is also unknown at this stage what consequences those are and police are investigating.
Ham Sandwich, founder and co-owner of HF, has gone into hiding in his treehouse retreat on a property at 74 Beach Road Umina. Although understandably devastated at the collapse of his empire, he continues to work with the offices of HF via his Legal Team, and has been spotted exiting his treehouse to chase kids on bikes with a chainsaw and go skinny dipping with the friendly locals, who are a primitively sophisticated race of humanoids. We are currently in negotiations for Ham to return to the offices and continue the great work that he started almost 2 years ago, and we are striving to accommodate his requests of a sealed plastic chamber, complete with vacuum toilet and a Filipino maid.
This is all we can reveal at this point, until the trial resumes.
We hope to resume our Friday communication schedule very soon. In the meantime, continue to come back to work with an alcohol-related injury, never underestimate the healing power of Protoplasm, and remember to kick your militant homosexual boss in the balls today, as I'm sure he or she (that's right, she....trust me, they're there!) deserves it.
With love and eternal clamminess,
Toots Mahal
Controlling Administrator
HAPPY FRIDAY Inc.
"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"
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