Thursday, March 31, 2005
Links
If you would like us to add a link to your site, please send a grovelling email to sandwich@happyfridayinc.com
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Sometimes it funny how you end up working at a job
Sometimes you can sleep your way to the top (or the bottom), sometimes its a bribe, sometimes its just dumb luck. I had a friend once who got a job because he sat on a flag pole and was then hired by centrepoint management. I went through a very different process for my job here at Happy Friday inc. I just hung around. There was only so much The CEO of HF could take of me hanging round him like a bad smell. Literally. I didnt bathe in months. Eventually he decided to give me a job as long as I showered and got rid of that funky smell. So what job did I get? I am the National Funky Bunch manager for HF, although I think that is more because my name is Mark and Sandwich has an unnerving obsession with Mark Whalberg.
My first job has been to sculpt the 7 metre sculpture of a dinosaur crossed with a Portuguese elf. If only I had artistic talents. Oh who am I kidding, If only I had talent. My second job was to find something "funky". After delivering to the CEO in succession
1) A piece of poo (It smelt funky)
2) A portugese woman with braided armpit hair down to her ankles
3) Bert Newtons toupee
4) Patty Newtons toupee
5) Ray Martins toupee
and more, I was instructed that what I needed to find were some funny things off the interweb. Fine I replied and off I went. Luckily Toots Mahal was able to interpret for me that interweb meant the net and I would find that on something called a computer. Again I was lucky as Sandwich was kind enough to have a flashing neon sign above my desk saying THIS IS A COMPUTER. The next 2 days was full of fun and frivolity as I worked out... wait for it.... not only how to turn it on (I know I am so smart) but also how to open the interweb. I opened a recommended search site (google.com) and decided to type in my name. I got over a million hits but nothing about my name in any of them. In fact, it seemed every entry had a mention of b*obs in it. So there went the next 2 days of my working life.
This left me with one day to find something "funky". I hope what I have found is ok with the boss.
For something different (and funky) I thought on behalf of HFInc, I hope you all come back to work on Monday with a dr*g related injury (just panadol will be fine), dont end up in bed with Barbara Streisand (that nose is scary in the morning) and dont get stuck behind an old person with permanent flatulence (although if you do see my grandma can you let me know as she escaped from the home last week).
Regards
Marky Mark
National Funky Bunch Manager
My first job has been to sculpt the 7 metre sculpture of a dinosaur crossed with a Portuguese elf. If only I had artistic talents. Oh who am I kidding, If only I had talent. My second job was to find something "funky". After delivering to the CEO in succession
1) A piece of poo (It smelt funky)
2) A portugese woman with braided armpit hair down to her ankles
3) Bert Newtons toupee
4) Patty Newtons toupee
5) Ray Martins toupee
and more, I was instructed that what I needed to find were some funny things off the interweb. Fine I replied and off I went. Luckily Toots Mahal was able to interpret for me that interweb meant the net and I would find that on something called a computer. Again I was lucky as Sandwich was kind enough to have a flashing neon sign above my desk saying THIS IS A COMPUTER. The next 2 days was full of fun and frivolity as I worked out... wait for it.... not only how to turn it on (I know I am so smart) but also how to open the interweb. I opened a recommended search site (google.com) and decided to type in my name. I got over a million hits but nothing about my name in any of them. In fact, it seemed every entry had a mention of b*obs in it. So there went the next 2 days of my working life.
This left me with one day to find something "funky". I hope what I have found is ok with the boss.
For something different (and funky) I thought on behalf of HFInc, I hope you all come back to work on Monday with a dr*g related injury (just panadol will be fine), dont end up in bed with Barbara Streisand (that nose is scary in the morning) and dont get stuck behind an old person with permanent flatulence (although if you do see my grandma can you let me know as she escaped from the home last week).
Regards
Marky Mark
National Funky Bunch Manager
Thursday, March 03, 2005
From the Offices of HAPPY FRIDAY Inc
Greeting fellow Protozoans.
Things are looking up for HFInc. since our last visit to your inboxes $500K of the missing debt turned up invested in a nudist colony on the west coast of Tasmania. The failing tourism industry in the west of the island has received a boost by the expanding colony, who recently received an anonymous donation of 17 tons of Oyster Mint and Ashtray flavoured toothpaste. Although not popular in the dental hygiene market, the toothpaste has remarkably found a niche in the personal lubricant counter at the colony, which greatly assists the 50+ age group at the colony when playing nude beach volleyball. It's also been reported to be bringing families even closer together than ever before, which is bad news for the maternity ward at the local hospital. But, the professionalism and dedication of the local Tasmania nurses is keeping them afloat, and in their own words, "It's nothing we haven't seen before."
Locals have also been attracted to a rock formation not far from the nudist colony, which is said to be displaying an apparition of what is being dubbed "Saint Bongo". This area, located in the middle of a forest of tall, stalky plants whose leaves look like something between a maple and a tomato plant, is said to have a strange aura about the place, and the spirit of Saint Bongo has been visiting very often. Saint Bongo's evil namesake, however, is still at large. having appeared on TV last week in a baseball cap and sporting a pathetic homeboy-like accent, he declared "we dan't do nuffing" in response to questions about recent police attention. The HFInc. offices have continued to receive threats and demands, although Bongo's Swedish Pen!$ Enlarger mysteriously disappeared between Tuesday and this publication. Demands for this object have ceased, and we were treated to a fiery display outside our offices last evening, with the entire contents of the Good Vibes festival porta-loos dumped outside our offices and set a light. It was like the Aurora Borealis.
Bongo was last seen picking a fight with Russell Crowe outside a pub in Bellingen, after Bongo auditioned for the now on-hold movie Eucalyptus for the part that Russell reportedly isn't built for - exposing himself in public, a task that Bongo is obviously built for and used to performing.
Ham Sandwich continues to talk to us via his Legal Team, and signs are promising of a return to the HFInc. offices, in light of the recent lightening of the company's debt, which now stands at $1.26m. He has said that he looks forward to his return but first he has to catch one of those pesky kids that torment him from the seats of their BMX's.
Despite the adverse publicity, HF's Masters of the Universe Theatre Restaurants remain open and doing good business. We are pleased to announce the hiring of Sheryl P. Biter in our Shalvey location to play the role of He-Man. After some training, in which he was bitten then dry humped by the resident Battle Cat, he (who prefers to be called 'she') is ready to bring the Power of Greyskull to the eager young locals.
Thanks for enjoying this sumptuous banquet of drivel. We at HFInc. hope you come back to work with an alcohol related injury, spend some quality time with your most charming imaginary friend, and if you find yourself in a place where you don't know where you are, don't touch the bouncing cones - you might get sucked into a big black hole full of erotic cakes.
With love and eternal clamminess,
Toots Mahal
Controlling Administrator
HAPPY FRIDAY Inc.
"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"
Things are looking up for HFInc. since our last visit to your inboxes $500K of the missing debt turned up invested in a nudist colony on the west coast of Tasmania. The failing tourism industry in the west of the island has received a boost by the expanding colony, who recently received an anonymous donation of 17 tons of Oyster Mint and Ashtray flavoured toothpaste. Although not popular in the dental hygiene market, the toothpaste has remarkably found a niche in the personal lubricant counter at the colony, which greatly assists the 50+ age group at the colony when playing nude beach volleyball. It's also been reported to be bringing families even closer together than ever before, which is bad news for the maternity ward at the local hospital. But, the professionalism and dedication of the local Tasmania nurses is keeping them afloat, and in their own words, "It's nothing we haven't seen before."
Locals have also been attracted to a rock formation not far from the nudist colony, which is said to be displaying an apparition of what is being dubbed "Saint Bongo". This area, located in the middle of a forest of tall, stalky plants whose leaves look like something between a maple and a tomato plant, is said to have a strange aura about the place, and the spirit of Saint Bongo has been visiting very often. Saint Bongo's evil namesake, however, is still at large. having appeared on TV last week in a baseball cap and sporting a pathetic homeboy-like accent, he declared "we dan't do nuffing" in response to questions about recent police attention. The HFInc. offices have continued to receive threats and demands, although Bongo's Swedish Pen!$ Enlarger mysteriously disappeared between Tuesday and this publication. Demands for this object have ceased, and we were treated to a fiery display outside our offices last evening, with the entire contents of the Good Vibes festival porta-loos dumped outside our offices and set a light. It was like the Aurora Borealis.
Bongo was last seen picking a fight with Russell Crowe outside a pub in Bellingen, after Bongo auditioned for the now on-hold movie Eucalyptus for the part that Russell reportedly isn't built for - exposing himself in public, a task that Bongo is obviously built for and used to performing.
Ham Sandwich continues to talk to us via his Legal Team, and signs are promising of a return to the HFInc. offices, in light of the recent lightening of the company's debt, which now stands at $1.26m. He has said that he looks forward to his return but first he has to catch one of those pesky kids that torment him from the seats of their BMX's.
Despite the adverse publicity, HF's Masters of the Universe Theatre Restaurants remain open and doing good business. We are pleased to announce the hiring of Sheryl P. Biter in our Shalvey location to play the role of He-Man. After some training, in which he was bitten then dry humped by the resident Battle Cat, he (who prefers to be called 'she') is ready to bring the Power of Greyskull to the eager young locals.
Thanks for enjoying this sumptuous banquet of drivel. We at HFInc. hope you come back to work with an alcohol related injury, spend some quality time with your most charming imaginary friend, and if you find yourself in a place where you don't know where you are, don't touch the bouncing cones - you might get sucked into a big black hole full of erotic cakes.
With love and eternal clamminess,
Toots Mahal
Controlling Administrator
HAPPY FRIDAY Inc.
"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"
Monday, February 28, 2005
A message from the administrators
Greetings.
It is with a profound sense of pride, and a tinge of sadness, that I bring you Happy Friday this week.
You may have noticed some anomalies in our regular communication schedule, and I know many of you have had many questions over the last few weeks, so allow me to set the record straight.
HAPPY FRIDAY Inc. has been placed under involuntary administration, due to accumulated debts totalling $1.76m and several outstanding arrest warrants for HF co-owner, Bongo the Chimp. The company's new product line of bourbon-flavoured printer ink cartridges has lead to several cases of food poisoning in the US mid-west when some young mullet-haired hicks were looking for a Methylated Spirits substitute. This has in turn lead to several laws suits, the aims of which seemed to be the destruction of Bongo's reputation - little did they know that his reputation was in the toilet to begin with. The worst, however, was yet to come.
HF's chain of Master's of the Universe Theatre Restaurants was turning over good profits and gaining a reputation as a wholesome family restaurant, despite the main character being a big muscly dude wearing Fox-Fur underwear and a chain mail vest, waving huge sword in the air and screaming "I HAVE THE POWER". That was until the Offices of HF were visited by detectives from Operation Stumpy Hump, investigating one of the He-Man impersonators, Tiffany Poopy-Pants III of the Shalvey MOTU Theatre Restaurant, on dwarf-s*x charges. The subsequent arrest and trial of Poopy-Pants uncovered a dwarf slave ring, linked to several sweat shops in Snowtown and Bonnyrigg, as well as a number of brothels in Kings Cross, Ryde, Mosman, Vaucluse and Bellevue Hill. Further evidence was presented that Bongo was at the head of this Dwarf slave ring, an announcement that sent Bongo off the rails.
Arresting officers were assaulted by Bongo as he attempted to escape, and he also bit the inner thigh of the key dwarf witness in the trial. He was last seen exiting a stolen car near Macquarie Fields and is still at large, facing 10 charges of assault and battery, 100 of dwarf cruelty, fraud, kidnapping, extortion, and inciting riots in Macquarie Fields, West Ryde and Redfern. The Offices of HF received an anonymous phone call on Tuesday evening demanding the delivery of Bongo's Swedish Pen!$ Enlarger to an undisclosed location or consequences would be suffered. It's is also unknown at this stage what consequences those are and police are investigating.
Ham Sandwich, founder and co-owner of HF, has gone into hiding in his treehouse retreat on a property at 74 Beach Road Umina. Although understandably devastated at the collapse of his empire, he continues to work with the offices of HF via his Legal Team, and has been spotted exiting his treehouse to chase kids on bikes with a chainsaw and go skinny dipping with the friendly locals, who are a primitively sophisticated race of humanoids. We are currently in negotiations for Ham to return to the offices and continue the great work that he started almost 2 years ago, and we are striving to accommodate his requests of a sealed plastic chamber, complete with vacuum toilet and a Filipino maid.
This is all we can reveal at this point, until the trial resumes.
We hope to resume our Friday communication schedule very soon. In the meantime, continue to come back to work with an alcohol-related injury, never underestimate the healing power of Protoplasm, and remember to kick your militant homosexual boss in the balls today, as I'm sure he or she (that's right, she....trust me, they're there!) deserves it.
With love and eternal clamminess,
Toots Mahal
Controlling Administrator
HAPPY FRIDAY Inc.
"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"
It is with a profound sense of pride, and a tinge of sadness, that I bring you Happy Friday this week.
You may have noticed some anomalies in our regular communication schedule, and I know many of you have had many questions over the last few weeks, so allow me to set the record straight.
HAPPY FRIDAY Inc. has been placed under involuntary administration, due to accumulated debts totalling $1.76m and several outstanding arrest warrants for HF co-owner, Bongo the Chimp. The company's new product line of bourbon-flavoured printer ink cartridges has lead to several cases of food poisoning in the US mid-west when some young mullet-haired hicks were looking for a Methylated Spirits substitute. This has in turn lead to several laws suits, the aims of which seemed to be the destruction of Bongo's reputation - little did they know that his reputation was in the toilet to begin with. The worst, however, was yet to come.
HF's chain of Master's of the Universe Theatre Restaurants was turning over good profits and gaining a reputation as a wholesome family restaurant, despite the main character being a big muscly dude wearing Fox-Fur underwear and a chain mail vest, waving huge sword in the air and screaming "I HAVE THE POWER". That was until the Offices of HF were visited by detectives from Operation Stumpy Hump, investigating one of the He-Man impersonators, Tiffany Poopy-Pants III of the Shalvey MOTU Theatre Restaurant, on dwarf-s*x charges. The subsequent arrest and trial of Poopy-Pants uncovered a dwarf slave ring, linked to several sweat shops in Snowtown and Bonnyrigg, as well as a number of brothels in Kings Cross, Ryde, Mosman, Vaucluse and Bellevue Hill. Further evidence was presented that Bongo was at the head of this Dwarf slave ring, an announcement that sent Bongo off the rails.
Arresting officers were assaulted by Bongo as he attempted to escape, and he also bit the inner thigh of the key dwarf witness in the trial. He was last seen exiting a stolen car near Macquarie Fields and is still at large, facing 10 charges of assault and battery, 100 of dwarf cruelty, fraud, kidnapping, extortion, and inciting riots in Macquarie Fields, West Ryde and Redfern. The Offices of HF received an anonymous phone call on Tuesday evening demanding the delivery of Bongo's Swedish Pen!$ Enlarger to an undisclosed location or consequences would be suffered. It's is also unknown at this stage what consequences those are and police are investigating.
Ham Sandwich, founder and co-owner of HF, has gone into hiding in his treehouse retreat on a property at 74 Beach Road Umina. Although understandably devastated at the collapse of his empire, he continues to work with the offices of HF via his Legal Team, and has been spotted exiting his treehouse to chase kids on bikes with a chainsaw and go skinny dipping with the friendly locals, who are a primitively sophisticated race of humanoids. We are currently in negotiations for Ham to return to the offices and continue the great work that he started almost 2 years ago, and we are striving to accommodate his requests of a sealed plastic chamber, complete with vacuum toilet and a Filipino maid.
This is all we can reveal at this point, until the trial resumes.
We hope to resume our Friday communication schedule very soon. In the meantime, continue to come back to work with an alcohol-related injury, never underestimate the healing power of Protoplasm, and remember to kick your militant homosexual boss in the balls today, as I'm sure he or she (that's right, she....trust me, they're there!) deserves it.
With love and eternal clamminess,
Toots Mahal
Controlling Administrator
HAPPY FRIDAY Inc.
"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"
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